Glassy-eyed with expectations based on the nebulous stuff of stardust, I began married life over thirty years ago with virtually no preparation or knowledge of what marriage entails. Reality burst my bubble rather quickly. On the heels of one of my numerous early mess-ups, it hit me; I didn’t know anything about marriage, nor did I know anything about my new wife. Yes, she was a diamond… but she was very human – with needs, lots of them – and expected me to fill them. She was a person, a woman and my wife. We weren’t one. We were two distinct individuals who joined together to become one.
The $64,000 question became “How do two imperfect people create a perfect marriage?” The answer necessitated redefining my perception of marriage and meant reexamining myself and my goals; placing an ideal above self-centered thoughts of marriage and what my wife ‘owed’ me. It meant recognizing and flourishing in the fascinating paradox of marriage; you choose a partner for selfish reasons but, once you marry, your life becomes dedicated to filling their needs, thereby finding a new, deeper and more complete self (as will be explained).
I turned to the eternal truths that guided every other aspect of my life. As my wife (she also came to a similar conclusion about herself) and I dedicated ourselves to learning and making our marriage the best possible, we hit upon truths that so many others were not privy to, but needed to be. We began sharing our newfound knowledge with others, speaking, writing and counseling. The response was remarkable. Authenticity is something people are genuinely drawn to. Our desire was to help. As more people turned to us, the scope of their issues became more varied. Gambling, internet, pornography, alcohol and drug addictions were destroying marriages. We became marital and family counselors, addiction and dependency counselors and general and marital mediators.
I began writing a newspaper column focusing on family, marriage and society. No fluff, the articles were informative, prodding and, at times, controversial; something I enjoy because it causes people to think – regardless of whether or not they agree with me. As a marriage counselor, rabbi, author and lecturer, I have dealt with the worst “marriages” imaginable, including attempted murder, rape, violence, divorce, abuse and addictions. My wife and I have cried over unimaginable horror stories suffering souls have brought us. Perhaps more painful, albeit less extreme, is witnessing the suffering of many good couples who needlessly squander their lives and love as they helplessly grow apart.
With over a quarter-century pioneering the field of Psychotorapy, we created a marriage paradigm drawing from three millennia of the Torah and wisdom of the sages of the ages, the greatest teachers of marriage the world has ever known. As the source materials attest, our approach is rooted in decades of scholarly research specifically in the field of marriage, the fruits of which are now rendered into English for the first time. The plethora of information you’ll find is both unique and abundant, culled from hundreds of sources virtually inaccessible to most, including ancient Hebrew and Aramaic texts, genuine Kabbalistic expositions, the Talmud, Codes and the Torah, spiced with ancient, medieval and contemporary commentaries. Regardless of religion or level of religiosity, these universal truths and secrets will open your minds and hearts and enhance your love, bonding and intimacy no matter how good or lacking these are at present. No one gets married in order to get divorced. We all marry with dreams and hopes. It’s time to realize the good in ourselves, our spouse and our marriage.
I firmly believe that few couples truly need therapy. Merriam-Webster defines ‘therapy’ as ‘the treatment of physical or mental illness.’ Most marriages don’t suffer mental illness; husbands and wives simply lack instruction how to be successfully married. If you’re married and never learned how to be married, then you and your spouse need to learn how to be married! Unlike typical self-help books, you won’t find one person’s outlook here, nor the results of random surveys of ‘other’ couples, projecting ‘results’ as guidelines for you. That doesn’t work; you’re you, not them.
Welcome to a perspective based on the Owner’s manual, guiding couples to transforming marriage, bonding and achieving lasting passion in marriage.[1]
[1] “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.” Rambam.
